


Tactile

by maybelletea



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Christmas, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Holidays, Jealous Zayn, M/M, Miscommunication, Pining, Pining Zayn, Snow, University, University Student Louis, University Student Zayn, Winter, Zayn-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-09
Updated: 2015-07-09
Packaged: 2018-04-08 10:53:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4302006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maybelletea/pseuds/maybelletea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>God, Zayn wanted to grab Louis' hand. He wanted to pull him to him, their bodies flush together, no space in between, and yell, Look, you can bloody touch me! Why don't you like touching me anymore! It's not hard! What am I, diseased?</em><br/> </p><p>It seems like Louis has moved onto Liam, now, to be the one out of all of them he's closest to, and it hurts Zayn more than anything.</p><p>Misunderstandings, confused feelings, and lack of communication abound.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tactile

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written a fic in at least a year, so this was really fun. I absolutely loved writing this, so I'd appreciate feedback! This is the longest oneshot I think I've ever written, even though it's not that long in comparison to others. I'm very _very_ smitten with Zayn and Louis.
> 
> Also, I didn't mean to set this at Christmastime at first, but me being me, of course it happened...

It was in their third year when Louis stopped touching him like he used to. He stopped touching Zayn, and moved onto Liam.

Louis stopped giving him random little pats on the knee, he stopped jumping into his arms like they hadn't seen each other in years when it had only been just a couple of days. He'd stopped running his hands through Zayn's hair, stopped giving him gentle squeezes on the shoulder. No more gentle strokes of Louis' thumb on Zayn's hand, or reassuring grip on his arm. It was like he had gotten bored of him.

Zayn liked Liam, honestly; they all did. He'd go as far as to say he loved him. Liam was the one who had held his hair back when he vomited in the middle of the night after downing one too many shots of vodka. He was the one he could go to in their friend group when he wanted quiet and needed to get away from Harry and Niall for a bit in that tiny apartment the three of them shared. He was the only other one in the group that had a deep love for the library. They'd all been good friends for years, ever since the start of university, and nothing about that had changed, at least.

But there had been a sick sort of resentment growing in the pit of his stomach for months when he noticed Louis' attentions shift to Liam- Liam being the one Louis would go to for a talk in the middle of the night, Liam the one he'd pass out next to on the sofa. Maybe it was always this way, and Zayn was just now noticing it because before Louis had been so attached to Zayn. He supposed Liam could've been the next person to go to when Zayn wasn't available.

It hurt more than Zayn felt it should. Friends grew apart, right? Louis was his best mate, but it didn't mean they had to stay attached at the hip. And it was true that Louis didn't touch Liam like he used to Zayn. He was more rough with him, somehow, always playfully shoving him about. (Zayn had dissected this more than he'd like to admit).

But it still made his throat close up when he heard from Niall that Louis had stayed over at Liam's flat the night after the party where they all got smashed. Or when in mid conversation with all the boys he realized Louis had gone to see a film with Liam that would've once been _their t_ hing.

Before, Louis always chose Zayn to cling on to, and vice versa. But now Zayn was slipping because he was holding onto thin air. He was falling.

-

Cafe Notte was frequently brimming with students as it sat right across the street from campus. Zayn tapped his pencil against his hand. All the words of his textbook were starting to blur together and he blinked hard. Rain pattered on the window- rain that would probably be snow if it was about ten degrees colder. The smell of coffee permeated the air with a bitter sweetness, reminding him he should probably get a refill because his energy was running dangerously low. He and Niall had come to this cafe to study for their history test tomorrow, but he wasn't sure how much studying had actually gotten done. It was hard to concentrate due to the constant stream of chatter to his left.

Zayn had only been half listening so it was really as if Niall was talking to a wall. He liked the ambience of noise in a setting like this, but not when it was literally a foot away from him.

"Niall, seriously, are we going to focus on Mesopotamian history or aren't we?"

"Oh, right." Niall pulled his own book closer to him and Zayn sighed when he saw he wasn't even on the right chapter. Wordlessly he flipped the pages in Niall's book.

"So, the test covers this, and what else?" Niall scribbled down the title of the chapter.

"Everything since the last test. Haven't you been listening in class?"

" _Listening_ is subjective, wouldn't you say?" Niall laughed. Zayn opened his mouth to retort that no, it really wasn't, when he was interrupted. "Harry!"

Zayn followed Niall's gaze- Harry was striding over to them with a cup of coffee a large stack of books that hindered his line of sight. He narrowly avoided bumping into the girls at the table by the window, as well as dropping his cup.

"Sorry," Harry mumbled with a grin, his curly hair bouncing in its tight bun as he stumbled, and the girls at the table giggled. Zayn stifled a laugh- somehow that boy managed to charm women no matter what he did.

"H'lo, fellow uni sufferers!" Harry greeted, finally reaching their table and dropping the books down with a resounding thump. "I got some books that the professor had recommended."

Zayn studied the titles. "Harry, half of these are for the first part of the semester. We're only taking this test for the last few chapters."

Harry's face fell as he pulled out his chair and sat down. "Wait, I think I've been studying everything we've learned this term."

"Better than me, mate!" Niall exclaimed cheerfully. "I've barely studied at all!"

Zayn took one of the more relevant books and flipped through it. "There's probably some stuff we can use."

Harry brightened at that. "Great!"

Closing the book, Zayn thought of something. He coughed, and tried to sound casual when he asked,"Harry, is Louis coming?" Louis was in their class, but at a different time. His test was the day after tomorrow.

"Probably," Harry said. "I think he went round to Liam's to pick up something he left."

"Again? Maybe he should just move in, don't you think?" Zayn laughed weakly and rubbed the back of his head, smoothing his hair down, trying to look as nonchalant as possible. He didn't care what Louis did. Louis could live at Liam's, and Zayn wouldn't care. Zayn would be completely fine with that. Seriously, why didn't he move in with him already? Liam lived alone. Louis lived with Stan, but Stan would be fine. It would save Louis the trouble of having to go retrieve the things he _left_.

Zayn noticed he had been tapping his pencil a little too hard on the table. He glanced up. Harry was looking at him like he knew something he didn't: his brow was furrowed and he was biting his lip. It pissed Zayn off, for some reason. Also, the back of his neck was sweating and he needed a hair tie and that _really_ pissed him off.

"So!" Zayn slapped his hand on his textbook with a flourish. "Mesopotamia."

-

Louis never showed up to the study group. Zayn was absolutely not going to dwell on it. At all.

He was also not going to dwell on the voice in the back of his mind that was telling him there was an underlying reason as to why he was so upset about this. He'd gotten good at ignoring that little voice. Lots of practice.

-

Every so often the five of them would head down to the grocery and pick up some food for an actual cooked meal that they would all eat together, instead of their normal microwaved fare. It was Harry's idea- he was the only one that actually ate sensibly so he insisted that they try to eat real food together once in a while. Zayn didn't mind; in fact, he quite liked the little tradition.

Harry was back at his apartment and had basically sent the others to go get everything on his ingredients list. Liam was busy finding things in the produce section, and Niall was putting things in the cart that suspiciously looked like nothing to do with the recipe they were preparing. Zayn was pretty sure chocolate sauce had no place in seafood spaghetti.

Zayn eyed the paper in his hand, fingers trailing on the shelf beside him as he walked down the aisle toward the meat section. "Two pounds of... frozen _octopus_?" he muttered to himself, tugging at his scarf absentmindedly.

"I'd skip that if I was you." A voice came from behind him and Zayn nearly jumped out of his skin. Louis was grinning at him, his hair beautifully mussed like he'd rolled out of bed with it looking perfect, his green sweatshirt contrasting the glow of his skin. Zayn's heart was pounding wildly, and he told himself it was just because he was startled.

Zayn let out a weak chuckle. "Yeah, I think I'm only going to buy half of what's on here, to be honest," he admitted.

Louis leaned up against him gently, eyeing the list. Zayn felt himself freeze- everything in his body was still except for his heart, which was still beating like crazy. Louis hadn't been this physically close to him in way too long.

"Ah, well, we can get the shrimp! Love that stuff." Louis went to the freezers and started throwing packages of shrimp in Zayn's cart.  The instant Louis left Zayn's side, he missed his body heat.

Louis seemed to notice that Zayn was still stuck in the same spot, because he looked up from the cart, his bright blue eyes boring into Zayn's.

"You alright, mate?" he asked. Louis' eyebrows knitted in concern, and he had his hand out, hovering, like he wanted to touch Zayn but was restraining himself. God, Zayn wanted to grab Louis' hand. He wanted to pull him to him, their bodies flush together, no space in between, and yell, _Look, you can bloody touch me! Why don't you like touching me anymore! It's not hard! What am I, diseased?_

Instead, he swallowed and said, "Yeah, fine."

-

The local pub was busy that Friday, filled with students and non-students alike who were prematurely celebrating the end of the semester. It was early December and they still had about two weeks left of finals. Zayn took a drink of beer, wondered if some people were done early or if they were just drinking out of stress. He figured it was mostly the latter, considering there was a guy who had his head down on the table, three empty glasses next to him, and Zayn could swear he was mumbling to himself about string theory.

He set his glass down on the table, watching Liam and Niall battle it out at pool, Harry  looking on with a vodka tonic in his hand, Louis at his side, nursing a beer. Currently Niall was yelling about something. He guessed it was sports. Zayn often preferred to hang back when they were being rowdy- Louis would often sort of gravitate toward him, it seemed, back in the day. In fact, any time they were in a group, Louis was anchored to Zayn, always pulling toward him, like some force unbeknownst to them was causing it.

He studied Louis, then, admiring the way his face caught the dim light. He looked unbelievably _soft,_ hands lost in his oversized sweatshirt, his face unshaved, hair mussed, baggy sweatpants hanging loose around legs that deserved to be shown off, in Zayn's opinion. But he liked the way the big clothes made Louis look smaller than he already was.

Louis must have felt his gaze, because he turned his head and caught his eye. He smiled at him, and Zayn's heart skipped a beat.

He smiled back tightly and looked away, hands gripping his beer. Fuck. What the _fuck_ was wrong with him? Why couldn't he just act normal? Not that Louis was acting normal, exactly, but at this point he was being a hell of a lot more normal than Zayn. Maybe this was how their relationship was destined to be now. No more closeness, no more warm touches. Just strained smiles and jumping hearts.

Speaking of which, he was really banking on a heart attack soon because Louis' hand was all of a sudden on his shoulder, something he had really not been expecting.

"Christ, you're jumpy lately, aren't you?" Louis said, a hint of worry in his expression. He sat down at the table.

Zayn shrugged, turning his body to face Louis. "Must be school stress."

"Yeah, that test this week was right awful."

"Uh... yeah, it was." Zayn ran his finger around the rim of his glass, cleared his throat, and then asked, "did you study much for it?"

Louis grimaced. "Not enough, I think. Oh, sorry I missed the study group."

"Were you, um. At Liam's, or something?"

Louis raised his eyebrows, cocked his head. "No, why would you-"

" _OI!_ " A resounding shout came from the pool table, and all of a sudden Liam was slamming his hands down by Zayn and Louis, nearly knocking Zayn's glass over.

"You gonna sit over here, all night, Zayn? Louis?" Liam was grinning widely and his eyes were red. Definitely drunk. "C'mon, play a round! I just beat Niall for the third time." Liam set a hand on Louis' shoulder, and Zayn bit down the vehement desire to bat it away.

"Only the second!" Niall protested from the pool table.

Louis laughed and knocked Liam on the head with his fist, and Liam looked pleased with himself. Zayn's throat tightened and he blinked, hard. God, he was so angry at himself. Angry for feeling this way when Liam was smiley and happy and doing absolutely _nothing wrong._

"Nah, think I'm out for the night," Zayn said, giving them all a half hearted smile. "Pretty tired."

Liam's face fell, and Zayn felt like he had just kicked a puppy.

Hastily he said, "but I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?" Liam smiled again, and Zayn felt a little less guilty. Louis was watching Zayn intently- a bit too intently for his liking. He nodded at Louis, grabbed his bag, and headed out into the cold night.

-

It snowed the next day. Just a dusting, but the flurries were likely turning into real snowfall later in the week. Zayn pulled his jacket tighter around his thin frame, opening the door to the convenience store with a ding. He was picking up a pack of cigarettes before class that morning. Smoking was a habit he had not been able to drop, but then again, hadn't really tried to, either.

 He had barely taken a step in the store though before he heard a feminine voice shout his name.

Zayn turned, surprised, and couldn't help breaking out into a grin at the petite brunette hurrying toward him. "Cher!"

"Haven't seen you in ages!" Cher enveloped him in a brief hug, standing on her tip-toes.

"Yeah, been a while." He and Cher went out casually in their first year of uni, but it hadn’t really lasted long. They still saw each other occasionally around town.

"So. How are you?" Cher gave him a once over, stuffing her hands in the pockets of her jacket.

"Not bad. School's pretty busy lately. You?"

Cher nodded. "About the same."

"You still with Craig?" Zayn asked.

"Yeah, going on a year." Cher smiled and flipped her hair over her shoulder. "What about you? You and Louis still together?"

Zayn nearly choked. "Wait- _what_? I- we weren't- we were never-"

Cher interrupted Zayn's sputtering, "Oh my god- I'm so sorry, I just assumed. Like, the last time I saw you two- you were so..." Her voice trailed off. She rubbed the back of her neck. Zayn's face was burning.

"No, we... um. Just friends," he said lamely, and coughed.

"Right." Cher eyed Zayn nervously. She looked like she wanted to say something else, but they both turned when the door to the convenience store dinged and a voice ran out.

"Cher, you coming, or what?" A blonde young man leaned against the door frame. Craig, Zayn remembered.

Cher glanced at Zayn again and smiled apologetically. "Well, I'll see you later?"

"Yeah." Zayn gave her a half hearted wave. After she was gone, he paced around the store, temporarily forgetting what he even came in for. He bought a bottle of water and was halfway to his class when he realized he'd forgotten the cigarettes.

-

Zayn found himself unable to pay attention to _Citizen Kane_ in his film class. He'd seen it before anyway, so he supposed it didn't matter. But he sat in the auditorium rigidly, his mind racing. He knew his and Louis' friendship had been... unusually close, to say the least. But enough so that people thought they were dating?

All of a sudden a thought occurred to him. If _Cher_ had picked up on the apparently confusing nature of his relationship with Louis, who else had? What if Louis had heard someone say something about them, and had gotten uncomfortable? Zayn gripped the armrest, started to breathe more rapidly. It made sense, now. He knew that Louis was into guys (strictly or not, Zayn wasn't sure- Louis had been apparently quite enamored with a girl named Eleanor in high school), and Zayn had long considered himself bi, but that didn't mean Louis would want to be suspected of dating his best friend.

When the class was over, Zayn hurriedly picked up his bag, elbowing the door roughly with his shoulder, and nearly bowled into Harry.

"Hey, Zayn!" Harry said, his eyes wide. "Alright?"

"Yeah," Zayn said, trying to calm himself. His hands were shaking. "Yeah, you?"

Harry hummed in affirmation, his brow furrowed, eyes searching Zayn's face. "Well, I have a class in this building so- I'll see you at home-"

Zayn was already on the move again before Harry even finished his sentence, and mumbled something like "yeah, see you, mate", his heeled boots scuffing the snow and ice.

It was a short walk back to the apartment. Zayn watched his breath puff in the icy air- the sky was covered in a milky white vastness, and snow was going to start falling soon. He had the sudden desire to just lie in the thin sheet of frozen dust and let snowfall pile on top of him. Slowly covering every inch, the white fluff making him new, cold seeping into his skin. He'd always liked the cold. Crazily, he stopped and considered lying down on the half inch of snow in the park to actually do this, but he shook his head to clear the thought and continued moving.

Niall was waiting for him when he opened the door, hovering in the kitchen. "Zayn! You okay?"

Zayn eyed him suspiciously, flinging his bag down and scraping the ice off his shoes on the mat. "Did Harry text you?"

"No!" Niall said quickly, but his face betrayed him. Niall had never been the best at hiding things.

"I'm _fine,_ Niall." Zayn's shoes were finally ice-free, and he flung them in the box with the rest. Normally he'd be a little more gentle with his shoes, but he couldn't bring himself to care right now.

"We're... we're just worried about you." Niall shrugged. "You've been a bit different these past couple months, I think."

"Well, I'm not the only one," Zayn muttered under his breath, passing Niall in the kitchen and grabbing a bag of crisps from the cupboard.

"What?"

Zayn sighed. "Nothing, just- forget about it. It must be the stress of being an upperclassman. I've taken on more work than I have the past two years." This was true, and therefore could be used as a believable excuse.

Niall looked unconvinced, however. He didn't push the subject though, and let Zayn make a beeline for his room.

Zayn collapsed on his bed, put his headphones on, and tried to let music carry him away for a while.

-

He must have had the music down too low, because the next thing he knew he was waking up on rumpled covers, his eyes bleary and unfocused. Fuck. He could've used the time to study.

"Sorry, did I wake you?"

Zayn jerked in surprise (the third time this week, Zayn was wondering if this was going to be a regular thing now)- Louis was perched at the edge of his bed, the soft glow from the Christmas lights and desk lamp illuminating his face in soft gold and red. Harry had put string lights up in every room of the house and even asked Zayn if he could put them in his bedroom. Zayn hadn't minded, and he actually thought he might keep them there after the season was over.

"How long've I been out?" Zayn mumbled, more of a rhetorical question than anything else. He sat up, grabbed a hair tie from his nightstand and pulled his hair back into an unruly, short ponytail.

"Dunno, mate. I just got here, was coming back from the loo when I saw your door open. Harry dragged me back because he wanted me to try his new kale smoothie concoction, or something." Louis made a disgusted face and Zayn snickered. He wondered if that was the only reason Harry had dragged Louis here. Harry was a bit more perceptive than he let on.

"You were just gonna watch me sleep, then?" Zayn asked playfully.

Louis snorted. "Well, I did come in to ask if you wanted to drink that smoothie so I didn’t have to, but then I saw you looked so nice and relaxed on your bed. Is this how you stay so beautiful, Zayn? Is sleep the real key?"

Zayn laughed lightly, feeling a bit giddy that Louis had just called him beautiful.

"Although, knowing you, you probably spend three hours primping yourself in the mornings," Louis teased.

"Shut up." He wasn't that far off, though. Zayn stretched his arms over his head, sighed.

"Alright?" Louis asked. Why did everyone keep _asking_ him that?

"M' fine," Zayn said, shrugging. "Just tired, I guess."

Louis nodded. He looked like he wanted to say something else. Zayn kept thinking back to his exchange with Cher, and his heart constricted painfully.

"Want to go to the kitchen?" Louis smiled. "Harry's cooking, I think."

"Yeah, sure," Zayn said. He watched Louis start to get up off the bed, and by some strange instinct he wasn't aware of, Zayn grabbed Louis' arm, pulling him back. Louis stumbled a bit, and looked over at him, surprised.

Then, without thinking, Zayn pulled him into his arms, burying his face into Louis' neck, his heart beating fast. Louis immediately returned the hug, his arms gripping Zayn tightly, like he didn't want to let go either.

"I miss you," Zayn mumbled against Louis' skin. He breathed in, deeply: Louis smelled like cigarette smoke and fresh pine- whether it was from cologne or a Christmas tree, Zayn wasn't quite sure. All he knew was that he wished he could stay like this forever, soaking in Louis, melding into his body, inseparable. The softness of Louis' sweater tickled his skin; every sense felt heightened.

Zayn pulled away first, instantly regretting it.

"Miss you too, bro," Louis said, his voice low, eyes filled with worry. Something unspoken hovered in the room, and the tension was palpable, thick. Zayn's mouth was dry and he swallowed, opened his mouth to say something-

"Dinner's ready, lads!" Harry's voice rang out. The spell was broken, and Louis gave Zayn one last concerned glance before he left the room, leaving Zayn alone and floundering.

-

"Lou, you busy this Friday night?" Harry asked, swinging his bag. Zayn, who had been previously ignoring the conversation, focusing instead on the music in his headphones as they made their way to class, perked up at this, lowering the volume on his ipod.

"Yeah, actually, I'm-" Louis said, but before he could say anything else, Harry interrupted with,

"Oh ho, got a hot date?"

Louis gave a short laugh and shoved him. "I _will_ be free on Saturday, though- if you want to go see that movie that no one else wants to see, apparently-"

Zayn frowned and turned his music up again. Louis had never actually answered the question.

-

He didn't think much of it until a couple days later. Zayn figured Louis probably wasn't seeing anyone, because he would tell him, right? Not that they talked as much, anymore. Maybe Louis had been going out with someone for weeks and Zayn hadn't even known. But still, Louis could be doing any number of things that Friday.

So it didn't bother him until Niall mentioned in passing that he was pretty sure Liam was going out on a date that Friday but had refused to give Niall any details.

Zayn felt his heart drop to his stomach. He had been fairly certain Liam was straight, but he'd never been certain, he'd heard from Niall that Liam experimented before. And then these past couple months would make sense, too, if this happened.

The more he thought about it, the more clear it became in his head that this was what was had to be going on. Of course Louis had shifted his attentions to Liam. He was interested in him, and he'd never been interested in Zayn.

-

Zayn didn't end up seeing Louis until nearly a week later. He didn't see anyone much, really, a consequence of circumstance- the weeks of finals were simply the busiest times of the year. He lived in solitude for a while, trying to keep his mind preoccupied, off certain things he definitely did not want to think about, until a mutual friend was having a Christmas party at his family's house. Seeing as his family was extremely wealthy, none of them wanted to pass up the chance to go and score some free food.

Not feeling very festive in general, Zayn opted for a black turtleneck and black jeans, his hair slicked back and tied up.

Harry passed his room, glancing in, but came back when he saw what Zayn was wearing. "Zayn, you look stylish, mate, but you also look like you're going to a funeral!"

Zayn raised his eyebrows. Harry was currently wearing probably the gaudiest and loudest Christmas sweater he'd ever seen in his life. It had little wreaths and trees poking out of it, as well as a giant Santa head, and tinsel fucking everywhere.

"What, you expect me to wear something like that?" Zayn asked in disbelief.

Harry put his hands on his hips and huffed. "It'd be more fun!"

Zayn rolled his eyes and pushed Harry gently in order to get out of his room. "Maybe I don't feel that fun lately."

Liam and Louis arrived separately, and Zayn wondered what that meant. He wondered if they weren't going to go out again. He hated himself when he realized he wanted that to be true. He was hating himself a lot lately.

Liam came over first, dressed in a dark blue blazer and black slacks, a gold scarf tied at his neck, looking rather posh, if Zayn was being honest. Harry looked disgruntled.

"First Zayn and now you? Where's the holiday spirit around here?"

Louis' arrival wasn't much better, but, and as a direct quote from Harry, at least he was "sparkly". Zayn was drinking a pre-party beer (might as well start now, right?) and did a double take when Louis walked through the door. He was dressed in dark black pants that fit to his legs, a golden and red sweater that looked like it was interwoven with some sort of fabric to make it shimmer. His hair was done in a quiff, and he had scruff on his face as always, but it looked more cleaned up since the last time Zayn saw him. He certainly looked festive, but in the most tasteful way imaginable. He looked... beautiful.

"Lads!" Louis said, and nodding to Liam, "Liam."

Liam grinned. Must be some inside joke. Zayn felt a little bit ill.

Niall bounded in all of a sudden, donned in a sweater that was equally loud as Harry's, with reindeer and actual Christmas lights blinking on it.

"Finally, someone with taste!" Harry exclaimed, and he and Niall high fived.

Zayn set his beer down on the counter, probably a little harder than he needed to because at the sound everyone turned and looked at him in surprise.

"Should probably get going now, right?" Zayn said, trying to sound cheerful, or at least give off a semblance of happiness.

-

This guy's house was _huge._ Zayn was quite sure he'd never been in a house this big. Even looking at it from the outside, he already knew. Their classmate Nick lived a bit away from town, up at a higher elevation, so they could see the lights from the city.

"Bloody hell," Harry muttered when they all stepped out of the car. "Have any of us actually _been_ here?"

"I think one of us would have mentioned it." Niall ran his hand through his hair as he craned his neck to study the brightly lit mansion. At least, Zayn thought it could be considered a mansion.

They followed the crowd into the house. Zayn had to stop himself from gasping at the grandeur of the marble staircase and ornate foyer. The entire place was filled with tiny golden lights and silver and gold decorations. He knew it would be fancy, but not to quite this extent. He wondered if Harry and Niall's sweaters would look out of place (but later he saw multiple people with ridiculous sweaters so he figured it didn't matter).

Louis, at his side, looked at him knowingly and said, "a bit different from where we grew up, eh?"

Zayn smirked and nodded, catching Louis' eye briefly before he remembered things were weird between them now. Or, they were weird on Zayn's side, anyway.

The party passed by without any disasters- Nick greeted Zayn jovially with half a bottle of sherry in his hand, already tipsy. Harry and Niall got drunk within the hour, and were now currently arguing with a group of people about the best Christmas film ever made, Harry insisting it was _Die Hard_ , with Niall saying that shouldn't count. Zayn didn't feel like drinking anymore, though. He mingled with people and tried some of the posh looking desserts, but after a while the rowdiness of the party and constant chatter and clinking of glasses started to get to him.

He stepped out into the freezing air and breathed a sigh of relief, his breath puffing in front of him. The view was beautiful up here, and he could see bits of the night sky from behind the clouds, stars bright and clear. He pulled out a cigarette from the inside of his jacket, and fumbled with his lighter. When he finally got it lit, he noticed a shadow on the snow, and looked over.

Louis smiled. "Can I bum a smoke off of you?"

Zayn handed him one wordlessly, and held out his lighter, his heart pounding hard in his chest as he studied the way Louis' cheekbones looked in the glow from the house, and the way his long, nimble fingers curled over the lighter. Louis drew back and blew out the smoke slowly, his eyelashes fluttering. They stood there smoking in silence for a few minutes. Louis seemed relaxed, but Zayn's entire body was stiff with tension.

Finally, he spoke. "So, uh. How was your date last week?" Zayn tried to sound casual as he focused at the thick fluffy snow for a few moments, but when he was met with silence, he turned to look at Louis.

Louis was staring at him, bewildered. "What... what date?" he asked slowly.

Zayn furrowed his brow, full on confused now. "Didn't you- I mean... didn't you and Liam...?"

Louis started coughing, and Zayn restrained himself from thumping him on the back because it seemed like he was choking. Once he recovered, he stepped closer to Zayn, and said in a strangled voice, "You thought- you thought _Liam_ and I-?"

"So you're not, then?"

"No! For God's sakes, no. Jesus, the very thought-" Louis brought his hand to his mouth, made a noise that sounded somewhere between a laugh and a cough. "Oh my god- no. He had a date with a girl named Sophia last week and didn't want anyone to know because he didn't want to-" and Louis made air quotes, "'jinx it' apparently."

"You and Liam have been so... close lately, though, haven't you?" Zayn still thought that Louis must at least _want_ to date Liam, considering the way he's been acting.

"Well, I suppose, but-" Louis looked at him, and then back to the snow. "There's a reason for that and... it's certainly not because I want to _date_ him. Jesus, the thought never even crossed through my head."

"Didn't you go out last Friday?" Zayn asked. He was still confused as hell, but this meant that Louis and Liam... they weren't a thing. That was the one thing he could focus on at the moment.

"Yeah, I went home to see my mum and sisters." Louis was looking at him with a strange expression. "Zayn, we should probably talk about something."

Zayn nodded slowly, taking a drag from his cigarette, exhaling the smoke slowly. But he had no idea what they were going to talk about because all he could think was that Louis didn't have a date last week, and more importantly, he didn't have a date with Liam, and he wasn't planning on having one.

"You probably suspected this, and- I know it's weird, and I don't want to make it weirder, but I figured it's probably time I say something about it."

Zayn still couldn't believe this. Louis _wasn't_ dating Liam. He wasn't even almost dating him. How could he have gotten that so wrong?

"I have-"

He had built up so much in his head that he had forgotten how to tell apart reality from his own thoughts.

"-feelings for you, Zayn."

Wait, what?

"Sorry?" Zayn couldn't have heard that right. He turned to look at Louis, who was staring at him with a look of desperation. Desperation and... sadness? This wasn't right, why would Louis be sad?

Louis sighed impatiently, tossing his cigarette into the snow. "I said, I have feelings for you, Zayn."

"No you don't," Zayn said automatically, the words coming out of his mouth before he could stop himself.

"Oh, so now I don't know my own emotions?" Louis scoffed, crossing his arms.

"Well, no, but-" God, this was baffling. He felt like laughing. Or crying. Probably both. "All this time, I thought you were avoiding me because..."

Louis cocked an eyebrow. "Because...?" he prompted. Zayn opened his mouth but he had lost the ability to speak. "Look," Louis continued, "I know you don't feel the same way, so it's probably best that we try to move on-"

Zayn miraculously found his voice again. "Don't _feel the same way_?" He started snickering to himself, quietly at first, and then it turned into a sort of hysterical cackle. He felt like he was losing his mind. Louis was beginning to look concerned and rather irritated, so Zayn hastily continued, "Lou, I do feel- I _d_ o feel the same way!" The confession made him feel like he was floating, because he not only just admitted it to Louis, but he'd finally fully admitted it to himself.

Louis opened his mouth and closed it wordlessly. "You do?"

Zayn needed to sit down, he was beginning to feel kind of dizzy. He steadied himself by holding onto the porch railing.

"Louis..." he started, taking a shaky breath. "Louis, I had no idea. I mean, you'd stopped being with me like you used to. Thought you weren't interested. Guess I didn't realize how much _I_ was interested in you, like that, 'til I saw you and Liam, and it was like you'd just... moved on. Before I even had a chance."

"No!" Louis said quickly. "Liam actually... He knows how I feel. I was drunk and accidentally just- I started rambling about you. Since he was the only one who knew, I found it easy to be with him because I could talk to him about it if I needed to. After that, I thought distancing myself from you would be a better idea. Didn't think you could feel the same way."

"Holy shit." Zayn shook his head. His hands were beginning to become numb from the snow, but he didn't care. He took them off the railing, wiped them on his sweater, shivering. "We're both bloody idiots."

Louis frowned, considering that, and seemed to come to the conclusion that yes, they were both in fact, idiots. Then they both laughed softly, Louis looking at Zayn with fondness in his eyes. A fondness Zayn had missed. Louis cleared his throat. "Can I, uh, kiss you?"

Zayn gaped at him, questioning if he was having problems with his hearing. "What?" It was still kind of hard for Zayn to get his head around the fact that Louis fancied him and wasn't about to ride off into the sunset with Liam.

Louis was blushing now. "Christ, Zayn, are you really gonna make me ask that again?"

Zayn stepped forward, grinning, and reached his hand out cautiously. Louis took it, pulling him forward. They were so close now, and Zayn closed his eyes. Their lips met, the kiss soft and sweet, careful. Zayn grabbed Louis' shoulder to pull him closer and Louis responded with a moan and shit, that really turned Zayn on so maybe he shouldn't have done that considering where they were. Louis' body pressed into Zayn's, the kiss deepening.

It only lasted a few seconds, though, because someone shouted "Oh my god!" and Louis and Zayn pulled apart quickly, immediately putting a couple feet between them.

They turned and looked toward the door: Harry was standing in the entrance with his mouth wide open, his face filled with utter glee. Niall and Liam were right behind him, wearing similar expressions (though Niall looked stunned more than anything).

"About time," Liam said, his lips twisted into a smirk.

Zayn felt his face and ears burn; a quick glance at Louis told him he was feeling the same heat.

"What- but-" Niall was stuttering, looking from Harry and Liam to Zayn and Louis, baffled. "Did everyone know this but me?"

"Yes," Liam and Harry said simultaneously, and Zayn threw his head back in laughter. He felt... light. Lighter than he'd felt in months. It was as if a terrible, crushing weight had been lifted from his chest.

"All right, lads, you've had your show," Louis said, in a semi-annoyed tone Zayn knew he used when he was embarrassed. "Let's all go back inside before we make the house as freezing as it is out here."

Louis' words reminded Zayn of how absolutely cold it was, the temperature well below freezing, and when they walked through the door, he also realized he'd only been wearing an unfortunately thin black sweater, and he was  shivering violently.

 Louis looked at him and murmured " _shit_ " before rubbing his hands vigorously up and down Zayn's arms, trying to generate heat. They were walking back toward the party and Harry and Niall kept looking back as they walked in front of them (of course Liam being the respectable one, trying to give them space), but Zayn wasn't paying attention. He could only see Louis.

"Are you feeling alright?" Louis asked, his hands still protectively on Zayn's arms. "We should've gone back inside earlier. Now you might get sick-"

"Lou, I'm fine," Zayn said, smiling. "In fact, I've never been better."

Louis looked at him, his eyes crinkling (god, Zayn loved that) and he beamed, his face like sunshine. Louis was the sun, really. "Me too."

-

Finals were finally over, the promise of winter break just around the corner. Zayn and Louis were on their way to Liam's, and together they were all going to the shops because Louis said he desperately needed to buy presents for his family and had probably waited way too long, as usual. Zayn and Liam had talked, and Zayn apologized profusely if he had been rude at all in the past few months. But Liam, being the amazing, wonderful person that he was, said that he understood and just wished Louis had worked up the courage to tell Zayn his feelings earlier, instead of thinking they'd just "go away".

Zayn glanced over at Louis now, his face partially hidden by a thick plaid blanket scarf. The scarf made him look small, him being wrapped up in it and all, and it was incredibly endearing. Snow was falling, tiny flakes that clung to you, and there were some caught in Louis' eyelashes. Zayn swore as he nearly slipped on a patch of ice because he was too busy looking at the boy next to him. He really needed to wear shoes with better traction.

"Need to hold my hand?" Louis asked, giving him a lopsided grin. "For safety reasons, of course."

Zayn laughed softly and grabbed Louis' hand.

"You know, I saw Cher the other week, before Nick's party and all," Zayn said suddenly.

"Yeah? How was she?" Louis had always liked her.

"Well, she, ehm. She asked if you and I were still together."

Louis guffawed, almost falling over. "I can't believe how obvious we were without even realizing it."

"I know." Zayn tightened his grip on Louis' hand, staring at the sidewalk. "You know, when she said that, I thought- I thought then maybe you were avoiding me because you'd heard, I dunno, something about the two of us and felt _weird_ about it. Before that, I was rackin' my brain trying to figure out what the hell I had done wrong. But after she said she thought we were together... I felt really scared."

Louis squeezed his hand, and Zayn looked up at him. He looked like he could cry- Zayn hated to see him like that. "I'm so sorry, Zayn," Louis said, his voice sounding small. "That I ever made you feel like that. I went about it all wrong."

"It's okay, I wasn't exactly honest with myself."

Louis stopped walking, and Zayn steadied himself so he wouldn't fall because it was goddamn slippery everywhere. Louis' hand was on his waist, then, and he was being pulled to him, their lips coming together as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Zayn smiled through the kiss, feeling positively blissful.

He felt a bit light headed when Louis finally pulled away, looking uncharacteristically bashful but somehow also proud of himself.

"D'you want me to kiss you agai-"

"Yes," Zayn said firmly, pressing his lips to Louis', both of them melting into each other. Despite the weather, it all of a sudden felt wonderfully warm. This would make their walk a bit longer than it needed to be, but that was okay. Liam could wait.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr at [maybellemilk](http://maybellemilk.tumblr.com/). :D Thank you for reading!!


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